Brave and Well: Conversations helping mental health professionals build a sustainable, profitable, and values-aligned business

How to Manage Difficult Emotions With or About Your Team

• Vanessa Newton • Season 1 • Episode 16

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When you own a business and have a team, you take on a lot of responsibility. And this can be great! It helps your business grow.

But sometimes things don’t go as you hope… or you make decisions based on one person’s needs versus what’s best for everyone as a whole. Eventually you can end up resenting people in the process.

Over six years of running a group practice, I’ve had to manage many difficult emotions with and about my team. So in this episode I’m sharing my reflections on—

  • The challenges of managing a team
  • The difference between clinical supervision and employee management
  • The importance of communicating through conflict
  • How to avoid resentment, frustration & burnout in your business


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Hi everyone. Welcome to the Brave and Well podcast. I'm your host, Vanessa Newton. I'm a group practice owner and social worker. I'm also a Latina, entrepreneur, mom, and recovering perfectionist. On this podcast, we teach mental health professionals how to build sustainable, profitable, and values aligned businesses. Here, you'll hear all about decolonizing the business side of private practice and supporting the entrepreneur and. Music. Therapist. We'll also invite fellow therapists and healers to share their stories. Our time together will be raw, honest, vulnerable, and held together by joy. If you like what you hear, subscribe to our newsletter at bravenwell.com slash newsletter dash sign up. Thank you for listening. Music. Hey y'all, welcome to another episode of the Brave and Well podcast. I'm your host, Vanessa Newton, Licensed clinical social worker, entrepreneur, and group practice owner. Thanks for being here. In today's episode, I'm going to be talking a little bit about how to manage difficult emotions, about your team, with your team and within yourself, really, as a leader, as an entrepreneur. This is really personal to me. I feel like I only talk about this with very few people in my life about how I really feel about just the different parts of my business and my role as a leader, because I don't think that everybody quite understands what that's like, unless you've, been in that space. And to be honest, I've only managed a few people in my entire career. And so managing people has been a very huge learning curve for me and something that I I found that I personally do not enjoy it. And so in the last year, I will say that I have struggled to kind of. Make peace or process with some of the emotions that have come up for me as a leader, as an entrepreneur, when it comes to my team. And I think I've learned a lot in that process. I've had to own a lot of. Things about my personality that have contributed to me feeling resentful or frustrated or just upset, you know, in general about either people's behaviors or their choices or the way that they have gone about things. And so I kind of wanted to talk through that today. I mean, if you are someone who manages people, even if you're a clinical supervisor and you have interns or supervisees that you manage, if you manage a small team, if you are a practice owner who has employees or contractors. If you're responsible for someone else, surely there are some difficult emotions that can come up. And so I just felt like I wanted to process this with y'all because that's what we do here. We get real about things. So, you know, for me, I'm a clinical supervisor. And so in that sense, I am responsible for people to a certain extent, right? Like I see them for clinical supervision. It is my job to make sure that these social workers are getting their clinical hours to become clinically licensed social workers. And I'm responsible for signing off on their hours, which means I need to be sure and have peace of mind that they are doing the work that they say that they're doing and that they're practicing ethically and with integrity and that they're making good clinical decisions. So I manage in that way, right? But these people don't work for me. I don't see them every day. They have other managers and supervisors who are responsible for them as employees elsewhere. I don't, I'm not that person, right? And so it's a different type of management. In my group practice, as a group practice owner, I have been in the role of executive director, right? CEO, owner, executive director. And as an executive director, I am responsible for the leadership team. So I manage them, I lead them. I'm responsible for ensuring that they fulfill their job duties and, you know. That everything is good. An extension of that is that while I don't directly manage clinicians on my team who are employees of the team of the practice, I still am responsible for them, right? Like I'm responsible for making sure that they have office space to do their jobs, that they have the equipment they need to do their jobs, that they are getting paid on time, that they are growing professionally, that if there's something that happens, that they feel supported, I'm responsible for making sure we have people in place to support them, that we have processes and policies in place, to make sure that things are happening accordingly, right? As a business owner, you are responsible for your business all the time, regardless of whether you are the person doing the task or not, you're still responsible for it. And I hear this from group practice owners everywhere about like, I feel so responsible for making sure that my clinicians have a full caseload, because if they, don't, then they're not making money. And to a certain extent that that's true. And I think that that responsibility is yours just as much as it is theirs. Right? You can only do so much to support them in filling their caseloads. They also have to do their part as well. So, At baseline, you know, owning a business, leading a team, in whatever ways you lead. There is a level of management and responsibility you carry for other people. And I think over time, when things don't go as you hope they would, or you begin to make, decisions based on one person's needs versus what's in the best interest of us as a whole, or what's in the best interest of the business as a whole, you lend yourself to resent people in the process. Especially if you're feeling some type of way and you're not communicating and being transparent about how you're feeling in the process. That leads to resentment, that leads to frustration, that leads to burnout. And so what I've learned in the last year is that there are a few things, well, several things that lead to my resentment personally that I've noticed that have contributed to my resentment towards my team or towards an individual that I work with, which is just like me overextending myself, me doing more and going out of way out of my way to make something work for one person or for one situation knowing that I actually don't want to be doing that. I don't need to be doing that. It's not a good use of my time. A lot of reasons why overextending myself is not okay, but I've done it a lot and I do it for the sake of making people happy, right? And making sure that they feel supported and that they feel happy and that they want to stick around. Saying yes when I really mean no, I do this a lot in my life in general. I think I'm a really hard worker. And when I first started my business back in 2015, I said yes to a lot of things that I did for free as. A way to really make my business work and to launch this private practice and to launch, myself into this journey of entrepreneurship. And I said yes to everything. I was like, you want me to do that parent workshop for free? Great. to speak at that event for free? Great. I'll do that. You want me to meet with you on a Saturday during my off day? Yep, I'll do it. You want to have a session at 8pm at night on the Thursday. Yes, I'm there. And I did it because I felt like I had to, because I felt like if I said no, I was missing out on an opportunity. Or if I said no, then I was throwing away money. If I said no, then that was going to be the end of my career. You know, I would catastrophize everything. And for me, saying yes meant that I was still in the game, right? That I was still being visible. I was still worthy of something. I was busy. I was, booked and busy all the time. That if I was saying yes, then I was going to be out there. And that being busy and being visible meant that I was worthy. And as a leader, as a group practice owner, when folks come to you with different issues or different things that they're needing and wanting, it's really easy to say yes to individual people multiple times. And then over time, you start to feel like you're giving so much but you're not getting anything in return. One of the things about group practice ownership is that it can be a really thankless job. You know, like you do so much and I don't think that people that you hire, people that work for you realize, really, really truly understand what goes into making this thing work. And it's not their job to right like, I don't expect my team to thank me for having the lights on. I don't expect them to thank me for refilling snacks at the office. You know, that's what we do because we want people to feel like they're a part of a home. It's not their job to notice those things. And at the same time, if you are someone that needs validation, that needs verbal praise, that needs someone to thank you and acknowledge the things that you're doing, then you have to communicate that to the people around you. And I think I've learned about myself that I do like to be recognized. I do value words of affirmation and appreciation and for people to say, thank you, Vanessa, for doing this thing for us, or I so appreciate you doing this. That is my love language and I really need that and, appreciate that more than anything. But no one knows that because I've never said that to them. And so over time, what I've noticed is that when I don't get that, you know, consistently, then I start to feel resentful. And I start to just be kind of irritable and irritated at people like, well, how dare you want this when you don't even do this or, you know, And that's not their fault. And it's also not fair. I can't expect people to assume what I need as a leader if I don't tell them that. Another thing that I've realized is that, you know, when I make excuses or accommodations for folks whose behavior becomes a pattern, and this is something that has happened a, ton in the past year or so. You know, with COVID, I feel like everybody was going through a hard time. Everybody had different needs and they were just in a different place. And I struggled to. Say no or to demand anything of anybody, right? I would, I was kind of like, you know, do what you can, see clients when you can take care of yourself. It's okay. It's okay. You want to take a day off off, take a day off, you have a doctor appointment, go ahead. You can't see that many clients. OK, great. That's fine. Right. I was just making excuses and accommodations, and losing sight of their job duties. The fact that they committed to do a job and they weren't doing it. Right. But because of other circumstances in the world, just in general, I was giving everyone a free pass over and over and over again. And what was, you know, a couple free passes turned into a year plus of just constant accommodations really not holding anyone accountable to the things that they said they were going to do. And that really made me resentful and really upset me and really made me feel like we can't, operate like this anymore. I need to be transparent with them about what I'm needing, about what the business is needing, and hear from them what they're needing, right? Because if my needs do not match yours, then we have to figure out a way to either meet each other where we're at or part ways. And there's no harm in that, right? There's no bad feelings in that. When two people come together to state their needs and we both realize that they're not in alignment with each other, there is nothing wrong with saying, I hear you, I hear what you're needing, and I can't give that to you. So I'm gonna have to step away. There is nothing wrong with that. You know, so many group practice owners are having a hard time with people leaving their practice or a hard time in general. You know, it's hard. Anytime you hire someone, you put a lot of time and resources into onboarding someone. And then when they leave, it's a whole other set of resources and time that you're putting into that. And it's challenging to see people go. But what I've learned in the past year is that it is okay for people to leave, when it's not working for them and when it's not working for you. I don't want to peep people on my team whose needs are not being met and who are not meeting my expectations or the expectations of the practice because that, impacts everyone else around us. If I'm meeting my expectations but my colleague down the way is not, and I'm noticing that my boss is continuing to make accommodations and exceptions for that person, I might become resentful. I might have questions about that. I might want to leave. And as a leader, as an entrepreneur, as a business owner, I have learned that I need to start making decisions in the best interest of the business versus the best interest of one person. Making decisions based off of individual people versus the collective will, lead to a lot of heart emotions and challenging emotions that will, you know, cause you to drift apart. And so, you know, not being transparent, not being clear, you know, Brené says clear is kind and it's so true, you know, you have to be clear and transparent when you're leading a team, not because you owe it to them, because it's the right thing to do. You know, if I'm asking you to do something, then I should be able to tell you why, and I should be able to show you how to do it. And I should be able to tell you this is the impact when you don't do this thing. And this is the impact when you do do this thing. You sign this job description, these are the things that are going well and these are the things that I'd like you to work on. And having a check-in process about that over time. Not just saying that one time and then leaving them alone, It's the consistency of it. And I think as a leadership team, we lost our way on that. And I will take full accountability that there were definitely flaws in the management piece and letting different people do different things, their own way versus having unification and consistency and clarity across the board. And so it was a really like big awakening for me just to kind of be transparent and honest with myself of how did we get here, you know? And everything was working, everything was functioning, but everybody was functioning differently, right? And everything was kind of like in pieces. And so it just felt really all over the place. And I will say that through it all, this last piece is like the lesson that I feel like I learn over and over and over again, like I keep relearning it, is that I am not responsible for everyone's needs, everyone's emotions, and everyone's happiness. People are responsible for their own needs and their own emotions and their own happiness. I am not the person to carry that for them. As someone who really likes when people are happy, and especially happy with me, and when people are having fun, it makes me feel so much joy. You know, I like people to be happy. I want people to feel like It's the best place in the world to work. But I can't carry that for them. And what I was finding is that folks were not meeting expectations, but they were not telling me or telling their managers why they weren't meeting expectations. And so I was scrambling to try to figure out why and becoming really upset about it, and resentful and making assumptions about why they couldn't meet expectations. I was telling my own story about why. I wasn't asking them, I wasn't doing the work to understand, I was just assuming. This person is not meeting their expectations because X, Y, and Z. And that would make me feel some type of way. Instead of saying, you know, Vanessa, this person is not meeting their expectations, let's try to understand why. And let's try to seek understanding and be curious about that so we can move to a better place and at the end of the day, if you have to hold someone accountable, if you have to fire someone, if you have to part ways, you are not responsible for their needs, their emotions and their happiness. They have to be willing to share that with you. And if they can't do that for whatever reason, that's okay. Right? That's their choice. But I just felt so overwhelmed by constantly feeling like I was responsible for everybody and everything all the time. You know, I think at the end of the at the end of 2022, we were able to press the reset button, have a really strong team meeting before going into the new year and getting on the same page with everyone, practicing a lot of transparency, seeking to understand, sharing our needs, having them share their needs. And we're in such, and we've lost people along the way and, and that's okay. You know, there's no hard feelings. But I feel so at peace with where we are today as a business. I feel so at peace with who I am as a leader. And I'm just glad that I took the time to really understand my part in the whole thing, and where we have room to grow as leaders, as managers, as business owners. You know, sometimes doing the right thing for your business is not always in alignment with what people need and what they want. And at the end of the day... If there is no business, there are no jobs and there are no places to do the good work that we're doing. And so. I say it here all the time. I'll say it again. No one will ever care about more about your business than you. And so Making hard decisions and having hard conversations with people Is necessary, It's a crucial part of entrepreneurship, but there is so much liberation and freedom in telling someone what you need, without expectation of them meeting that need for you, but just having the courage to say it anyway, without apology. So if you've ever, you know, or are experiencing some difficult emotions towards other folks who are working alongside you and are on this journey with you, you know, I'm sending a lot of love and empathy and I can understand, I can understand it. And what I will say is that it's important to reflect on what you need, where this resentment is coming from and what are the steps that you have to take to make things right and, to get to a place of peace so that you can continue to move forward regardless of the outcome. All right y'all, that's it for today. Music. Thank you so much for listening to the Brave and Well podcast. You can find links and resources from this episode in the show notes at www.bravenwell.com. Music. Then send it to a friend. For free resources, special announcements, and discount codes, subscribe to our newsletter at bravenwell.com forward slash newsletter dash sign up. Music.